T-Biffing

The Roomate has a galfriend.

Did I tell you before? Yes, I did. I mentioned her here.

It all started while I was away. Of cos, that's the only time it can start.
So I come back, and the guys are raving.

"Oh T, u shuld meet Lois."
Lois this, Lois that. And the one I didn't like- "You guys are so alike."

Really.

All the guys were raving except the Roomate which was pretty odd cos usually he can't wait to lament about and ridicule the dumb, inept girls he dates. But this time he was mute. And I didn't ask.

I met her and the first thing I thot was she looked like a toothache. I mean, she so sugary sweet, candy cute that you get a pain in ur mouth just from looking at her.
She's also weird. She has this penchant for shorts, mini skirts, mini dresses, boob tubes, strapless everything, painted toenails, anklets and wristbands, thongs, sandals, junk jewelry, Rhianna razor cuts et cetera, et cetera. The only thing she does not have is a tattoo. She probably does somewhere very silly.

She tends more to giggle than laugh. And for all and how girly-girly she looks, she's a tomboy. She drinks and smokes as well as them amongst other things (I don't smoke). I heard she has four brothers. Big deal.
And then she has this thing for cars. She has like three. My first thot when I heard about her car moves was "Runs chick" but I heard her Dad is loaded and her brothers too. She owns this restaurant and a nightclub.

Who cares. Pshaw!

She is nice o. And that's the problem. She just flaunts her money around.
"Let me get this, let me get that."
Femi is already getting irritated which is a good sign. By the time we all nag, she would be out. I mean these guys work for their money and are loaded too. Maybe not with Dad's ceaseless dough but they are self-made dudes. And then this girl comes with her condescending attitude.
Like they really need a girl to pay for stuff for them. Foolish B.

The Roomate does not say a word when she's around instead he smiles like one fool, looking all bashful. Dumb ass!
At night, he receives all these childish midnight calls. And whenever the crew is together and she's not there gate-crashing as usual, she calls and then the Roomate will smile and disappear for hours to receive her calls. If it's at night, he goes out to the compound to receive them. She must be doing something right if he's willing to face all those mosquitoes just to talk to her.

And then when she sleeps over. I have to turn up my radio real loud to block out all her giggles... and more.

Arrrrggghhhh! INVASION!!!

I've watched them come and go. And forget it, this one would zoom off like the others. Real soon.

She's too... me. And there can only be one of those at the Fame Lodge.

On Sunday we all went out and she and I were standing beside a car waiting for the guys to get something or the other. Then someone comes and asks, "Are you sisters? You really look alike."
Duuuh just cos we were both wearing shorts though hers were tighter and while I was wearing my usual baby Ts, she was wearing... I can't remember jo!
I mean, some people shaaaa. I just eyed the person, hissed and walked off (Blind bat!) while the idiot giggled.
"Really, you think so? No actually, she's my boyfriend's sister."

Sister?! Was that what they told you? It will shock you nau!

Soon and very soon.

I'M GONNA RUN YOU OUT!

So just for the fun of it... I am putting up a post whose title is actually longer than the main body... n to make it worse, I am dropping the first -

T.

This weekend or HOW FEMI CAME TO BE KNOWN AS HEAD BANGER.

Head-banger is the name we call our oyinbo friends who can't dance but nod their heads vigorously to almost any song, especially rock songs.
They nod -bang, bang. And then jump- hop, hop. Shake their heads- shake, shake. And their bodies- wiggle, wiggle. Then they scream-ARRRRGHHH!
And this has got absolutely nothing to do with the story I am about to tell you.

So this weekend, the crew decided to go out and I mean really go out, not just hang out at the local beer parlour or our usual place on the Island. We chose to go to Ikeja instead. You know one of those places that look like somebody's very respectable home until you enter then it can become anything from a gentrified hang-out to a strip joint. But we went to one that was in-between. It was your usual club with the life band and the over-priced drinks and the over-priced suya and the very, very over-priced cat fish.

The Roomate, Femi and I and one unwanted addition to our group whose tale you shall be hearing pretty soon were there around eight/ nine waiting for Larry. He had taken a detour to to a certain hostel to get some undergraduate prostitutes (sorry, but let's call a hoe a hoe). Apparently, he had promised Femi one too. I didn't know before we got there, I had gone there with the idea that Femi was actually my date so that what later unfolded filled me with more pleasure than you can imagine.
Vindictive pleasure, muaha ha ha, how sweet thou tasteth?

Femi had gone off to pee by the time Larry finally arrived. The two girls he brought with him where so flashy that if NEPA had struck at the moment of their entrance there would have been no need to put on the gen. They were that bright and obvious- with their lipsticks and their eyeshadow and their glittering shoes and spaghetti straps (or whateva they call them these days.) Everything about them just screamed- screw me, I am cheap. One of them was so skinny that if you actually put her on a scale without makeup the needle would barely flinch. The clothes on her were so flimsy that it wouldn't count either.

Larry did the introductions then covertly indicated to the Roomate which one was for him and which one belonged to Femi, in case of a mix up when Femi came and he was off for beers. It was then that it dawned on me that I was actually going to be the only date-less person. I started to seethe and rain curses inwardly at the stupid Femi. Okay, Femi is like my best friend and if he were to stick with me as his date for the nigh,t there would most certainly have been no show for him. Still to give me over for these red-light district residents. Thunder fire his head! Oooh and did it thunder and lightening too!

Larry had just left the table for beers when the skinny one stretched out her witch-like claws to pawn one of the Roomate's cigarettes. The Roomate smiling inanely like someone high on breeze was leaning over to do the gentlemanly thing and light her up when Femi came back. Femi was so excited to see the extra bodies at the table that I am sure he peed again but this time in his shorts. In fact he was indeed very excited that immediately he sat down, he jumped up again.

'Seyi,' he screamed.
The Roomate, startled, almost burnt the poor girl's face.
It took us a few long weird moments to realize that Femi was referring to the fleshier of the two girls. I mean, judging by her blank look, the girl herself did not know that he was talking to her. It wasn't until, he marched around the table and pulled the girl up from her seat by her arm that it occurred to us that something was really wrong.

'Seyi', Femi shouted again. He looked so angry that I thought he was going to have a heart attack. I guess he was already having one but we all didn't know it then.
For all the drama that Femi was acting, the girl was looking as bewildered as any of us at the table and funny enough, she was acting all calm and nonchalant like, "Who is this wierdo?" and not like "WHO IS THIS WIERDO? HELP!"

'Seyi,' Femi yelled for the third time. Then, "WTF are you doing here?"
'What do you mean?' the girl blustered trying to pull her arm out of his grip. 'I don't understand what you are talking about. Do I know you?'
'Do you know me, abi?'
And before any of us could say what the hell is really going on here? (too long) Femi had dazed the girl three times.
'You don't know me, abi?' TAWAI!
'You don't know me, abi?' GBASH!!
'You don't know me, abi? GBOSA!!!

In fact we all at the table were so shell-shocked that we didn't know how to react. The Roomate just stood up with his mouth agape. His date had her hand over her mouth. While I- mehn, I was loving every moment of the unfolding drama- just sat staring, waiting for more action. It was the skinny girl who reacted. She got up and gave Femi a mighty shove that caused him to stagger backward and topple over some chairs. I swear, her size really belied her strength.

It was then that Larry came back with a waiter bearing beers. (It was the waiter who helped Femi up.)

Confused, Larry looked around and asked for some explanation about the turn of events. Like we actually knew what the hell kind of bee had just stung Femi. It was the skinny girl again who shrilly screamed some explanation into Larry's face at the same time asking him what the hell he had brought her and her friend into.

By the time she was through, Femi was on his feet even though he was being held back by the waiter from finishing the poor girl who was now hiding her face in her hands. (Mehn those slaps were hot!)
Larry turned on Femi, upset, 'My Guy, wat's all this? You don already dey beat the chick wey I bring for you?'


And that's when Femi finally exploded. He literally leapt at Larry's throat.

'Chick wey u bring for me! E no go beta for ur Mama!' He grabbed Larry by the shirt collar and GBOSH!- head butt. 'Na you go fuck your sister!'

And that, my friends, is how Femi came to be known as a Nodder or in our circles, Head-banger.

Adieu.

Like seriously, WTF!!!

Someone has finally decided to marry me.

Ah mean... WTF!

I wonder where this stupid Roomate gets his stupid friends from!!!

'Treasure,"

Duuh, my name is Trésor not Treasure, even though they mean the same thing.

"Treasure, I am going to the East this weekend, give me your father's address in the East I want to go and see him."

Please read the sentences in quotes with a thick Igbo accent. Except my replies, of course. Read those in the most detached, bored tone you can muster, heightened by a note of incredulity. For the Roomate's tone you can assume the dumbest one you can muster.

"Why, Anthony, why do you want to go and see my father?"

"Because I want to marry you. I want to go and ask for your hand in marriage."


From my father, how quaint? Really, I was so shocked that I didn't reply him at all. Instead I gave the Roomate a dark look as in "Is your friend for real?" No, make that- "Is your stupid friend for real?"

The idiot (now I mean the Roomate) first looked dumbfounded then amused.

"Serious, Anthony" - He pronounced it AN-tow-ny, the way the idiot who owns the name pronounces, trying for the pronunciation he hears in movies- AN-t'ny as in Cockney.

"Serious, you want to marry Trésor."

And that was when the stupid AN-tow-ny started blushing! As in, for real?!!! What the heck!!!

"Yes naa. I want to marry her naa, she's a fine gal, naa. So, Treasure, give me your popsie address naaa?"

"My Popsie?" I asked

"Yes naa."

"Well, my "popsie" does not stay in the East. Last I heard, my popsie is a Russian and he lives in Russia."

"Eh na true o, I don forget say you no be Nigerian. Oya, give me your Papa address for Russia. Make I go there go find am?"

And he was serious too.

What the hell! Na so dem they marry?!!!

Ah mean, WTF!!!