Sunday, May 31, 2009

Divas don't react, they act!

This week is going to be a bit eventful.
For one my birthday is coming up on Saturday. The Boyfriend is leaving on Sunday.

My Stepdad (actually, the only dad I know) Mr. Yellow called to ask me what I would like for my birthday and immediately I told him a car. I am still banned from using the Roomate's car except in the presence of an 'adult'. Well, I hope Mr. Yellow buys me a big car, like an Element or something, so I can rub it in the Roomate's face for so many reasons.
But knowing Mr. Yellow and his whole idea of me, I know he'll buy me a girly cute car like a- if he buys me a Picanto, I'll sell it off immedaitely. I think I should tell him that I would prefer a Bug.

Which is more expensive, Element or End of Discussion?

I call Mr. Yellow my aristo cos he acts like one.
I used to have this aristo back then in Uni. And when Mr. Yellow found out (via the Roomate, who else?) he hit the roof and almost had a heart attack. Since then, he makes sure to give me all I need so I don't slip back into my evil ways. In fact, the only reason he allowed me come to Lagos was because his wife, Aunty (the Roomate's mom, getting complicated isn't it?) convinced him that her son would keep a good eye on me. Considering that the Roomate has already proven himself once, the trusting man agreed and gave his little lamb to the wolf.

If I think of all the many ways the Roomate has betrayed me, I really should just sticka knife in his throat and get it over with.

The Roomate finally caught me with Donny. We were in the sitting room making out and I was only in my lacy underthings and going slowly down the guy undressing him when the man with the poorest timing in the world walked in. You would think he would say excuse me and walk out.
But noooo, he had to shout 'Trésor!'
To cut a long story short, he thoroughly embarrassed Donny and threw him out.
I remained calm, I am always calm, you know. When he came back in, I was covering myself with only a tee-shirt (mine) and wishing I had a cigarette. I only ever smoke when I am angry. It enhances my cool as ice demeanor at those moments. I would take a puff and blow it out in a long stream. I don't smoke so I always have to buma cugarette from the Roomate or his friends to pull this off but I was too shocked at the way Donny had meekly taken the Roomate's insults to move. But my anger was still as icy as ever cos when Roomate came back in, he just took one look at me and sat down, deflated. I wasn't giving him anything to rise on.

'You know he is married, don't you?' and his voice was accusing like he thought I really knew.
Anyway, I didn't but what if he was? The Roomate had some nerve. He used to date a married woman not too long ago.
Then to make matters worse, he brought up the Donny topic in front of the Boyfriend. And that one ended up taking it harder than I thought he would.

Indeed this week is going to be very eventful but not for the reasons you think. I am telling you things really are going to start getting hot in this house! Some people are going to start seeing my true colours.

But first of all, Mr. Yellow has to buy me a mighty expensive car.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


They are even (partially) my colour.
I am so happy!
You should have seen the way the Fame Lodge erupted... in groans!
ha ha ha!
The place cleared faster than at a fire drill.
All too soon I had the sitting room (with all the usual garbage of course) to myself as they went to drown their sorrows at the nearest beer parlor.
Devils indeed.
Holy Ghost fire!

Sunday, May 24, 2009


Nothing happened this weekend! Nothing happened this weekend!! And when I mean nothing happened, NOTHING!!! happened!

The Roomate went to Abuja Friday. Donny called and canceled our date on Friday evening at the last minute. How annoying! The Boyfriend had suggested on Wednesday doing something together on Friday but I had blown him off. When I called him as back-up he said he was feeling sick and wanted to lie in. I thought he was just sulking so I refused his offer to come and spend the night and ended up spending the the whole night alone, locked up in the Fame Lodge drinking and going bored out of my school. The drinking part was not so bad since I love me my wine. But drinking alone! That is so not cool; especially the morning after. You should have seen my bleary eyes. Then my breath! Oh my God! It was so foul it woke me up and I think I was snoring and I drooled all over the couch. It was one of the worst Friday nights I have ever had in recent times.

Then the Boyfriend called me on Saturday at about nine am (actually, he woke me up) sounding really sick. Probably malaria , he said. I had to drag myself off the couch to do the galfriendy-thing. We went to the hospital and he did have malaria and then we had to go to his house where I had to nurse him and pet him all the while wondering why Donny hadn't called.

At about 5pm I called the useless Donny. I was already thinking of a suitable excuse with which I could bail from the Boyfriend and finally, probably, have a fun weekend only for the inconsiderate Donny to come up with some stupid story of how he couldn't make it again and was so sorry, blah, blah, blah! Yuck!

I ended up spending the night at the Boyfriend's which culminated into another night on the couch channel-surfing and getting bored out of my skull while he slept in his room.
I hate the smell of drugs, the smell of sickness, the smell of boredom, the smell of betrayal, the smell of useless guys who all seemed to have conspired to ruin my weekend!
A Diva has got to have fun at the weekend. Don't they understand that?!

This morning, the Boyfriend woke up feeling all grateful. In fact, he was so grateful he wanted to have sex! Of course I said NO! I wanted Donny not him. And the nonsense Donny had switched to not picking his calls! Next I knew the phone was screaming 'Not available'. What?! A guy switching off his phone on me?!! Is he nuts?!!!

Maybe it was the malaria but the Boyfriend's brain suddenly went mushy and he started talking about the future: how he wants the relationship to continue after he leaves, how he is planning to come back to Nigeria in the nearest future- what for?! What for? I ask you.

Doesn't he get it? I have prepared my mind. I have moved on, onto Donny.The Boyfriend is like a fading story. What is this? I ask you.

And that Donny! What is his story?

Yuck weekend! Yucky, yucky weekend!

I am still at the Boyfriend's place doing the galfriend-duty. I think I have to 'shake bodi' this night, get rid of some of the excess energy that has got me going nuts!

And as for Donny, of course I am going to make him regret this weekend.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Trésor Unlimited!

You know how they say 'soldier go, soldier come'? Well, there has been a coup d'état.
Seriously, y'all were not thinking that I was actually going to wait for the Boyfriend to leave before I found me another playmate, did ya?
His name (on the blog, of course!) is Donny. And no, this one is not white though he is a bit foreign... in character!
He's one of the football fanatics that have recently been invading my house. He is supposed to be a friend of the Roomate.
Seems like he was aiming to be my friend all along. You know, I am now thinking, not all you football freaks are that bad.

Does Mr. Roomate know about this budding romance?
Wellll, not exactly! Though I think he is been catching some whiff of it here and there. The way he stares at me suspiciously after Donny and I have just exchanged what we thought were discreet glances...
Well, he had better hold his side and not throw a jealous fit on me, cos I have got a lot on him to go on. (ahem!)
Does the soon-to-be-gone Boyfriend know? Actually, he has no time right now. And why should he really be bothered? He is going back to someone so why should I remain alone?

The Roomate is traveling to Abuja this weekend...

Monday, May 18, 2009


You should see the Fame Lodge on football nights. My house has turned to a viewing center and I am not even making money out of it!

I don't even take part in their rowdy pastime and no one has ever thought of bringing a cold beer to my room talk-less of offering me whatever it is they happen to be messing my sitting room with yet they leave all the empty cans and food wrappers for me to clear up! Assholes. Chauvinist Assholes!!
Not like I drink beer, you know the Diva is not that crass. Nor do I eat any of those greasy things that happen to stain my furniture leaving me on my knees scrubbing off a dark stain that is so stubborn I wish I knew who exactly caused it so I can soak all his fingers in acid, so that next time, the football freak/fanatic would think twice bout messing up other people's homes! Gawd!!!
And the noise they make! Goooaaaaallll! Yee, pass it! Pass it now!!! Oh God! Ahhhhh!!! (like something really bad has just happened when all that happened is that one idiot with lousy footwork just messed up a good scoring opportunity. And so? I ask.)

SHUT UP! My door is not sound proof! Go to your effing homes and give your wives and girlfriends (or wateva) the headache you are giving me. Inconsiderate children-born-out-of-wedlock!

Don't they have TVs in their own homes? Flat screen, plasma or whatever it is called!!! DSTV?! HiTv?!! WTF-tv!!!
How much is it to watch football at a regular viewing center? What happened to Football clubs or lounges or whatever they are called?!!!
And the Roomate, he is like the Vince McMahon of Football nights. He acts like he created the premier league. The quintessential host encouraging their rowdiness. He is always the loudest of them all, Peter Pan to the Lost Boys!

One day, I am going to... do what?!

I need an idea for something wicked and extremly nasty that'll get them out of my house. It must be mean and permanent. I am still working on it and if you have any brilliant idea, feel free to communicate it.

But before then, I am thinking of writing a series of petitions to the appropriate bodies (which is...?) to get them to ban the projection and viewing of foreign football in Nigeria.
If we keep doing that, how are we going to improve our own local league?
You know what y'all are, you bunch of premiership-loving freaks? You all are simply unpatriotic and you should all be Gunned down and Manchested till you all turn Blue. Traitors!

Monday, May 11, 2009

So the Boyfriend is leaving...
Nope! I don't think so!

We didn't plan it that far. I guess since we both knew he was going to leave anyway we unofficially decided to make our relationship as light as possible. We had fun together which I guess, to begin with, was the whole aim of the entire business.
He has a girlfriend back home so he is probably going back to her while I go back to being the Roomate's side kick at every function he goes for and especially on club nights.

We'll probably write each other, I mean the Boyfriend and I, chat on Skype and do the whole webcam thingy. Then after sometime one person would start to feign busy and soon all we'll end up being to each other would be "a fling I had that one time in Nigeria."
My God! How depressing!

Will I mis him? A little but no biggy.

So as I am going to be free by the end of the month, I am open to applications.
Must be fun, carefree, chubby with silky black hair I can pull (doesn't have to be white!), an ebullient personality who is willing to be bullied sometimes, has puppy-dog eyes and tends to act like a lapdog too- running straight to his master (or mistress) when cornered by some barracudas in mini-skirts at a club...

I didn't just describe the Boyfriend , did I?
Oh well! Three more weeks to go.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Seriously EXaggerated activity

Bilkis got de-vee-d at 28 and that's because she got married at 28. (Everyone calls her Billie except for the Roomate n I; we call her Kissie.) It's not like she's particularly religious. I mean we were party-partners at skool and most of the coolest guys in school used to roll thru our room. She was just a strong girl with a stronger moral consciousness (whatever that means.)

She refused to give over her flesh to one guy whom she might end up breaking up wit two minutes later only to jump into the next temporary relationship -possibly wit a shorter lifespan- and before you know it she would have passed thru a number of guys who would have stolen all her essence and hardened her before she meets Mr. Right, the poor guy who would have to bear the brunt of her disillusions and disappointments. (I just quoted her argument verbatim!)

So she waited and instead lived out her fantasies through us, the weaker ones who could rather care less. And what a wait it was. I mean this girl is rather attractive, a chick in every sense of the word. She was a challenge much as she was a turn off to most of the guys who passed through her life. In fact, Bilkis ended up having more boyfriends and toasters than us who were giving it away freely like old supermarket stock.
Finally, she met this guy; rather I should say this guy met her. I mean there are still some guys out there who really go ga-ga over virginity. To the guy, Bilkis was like a surprise Christmas gift that is much more than you would have ever hoped for. He did everything to make sure she remained his. In fact, he went as far as making sure his mom- and the rest of the family- knew how special Bilkis was. The way they clamored for her hand then, like she was the last of a unique designer dress that everyone in a boutique is rushing to get but they were just lucky to snap up.

Wedding day came, then Honeymoon, then they came back from the special honeymoon trip.
'So Bilkis, how far? How was it?'
'How was what?'
'Your wedding night. Your first time. The sex.'
She smiled wryly, sighed resignedly and replied impishly, 'Sincerely? Well, I think sex simply means Seriously EXaggerated activity.'
'That's S-E-A'
'No, that's sex.'

And then, for whatever reason, I just felt sorry for her.
Knowing my Bilkis, there's no way she would go experimenting. That means a lifetime of seriously exaggerated activity for her.

But then, it's the same even for some girls who have had more experience, hence the phrase, "Sex is highly over-rated".
According to the Roomate only girls actually use this phrase So I guess for Bilkis' seriously sexually-inept husband, it was a win-win all the way.
And for Bilkis? Most likely she would be looking forward to a lifetime of romance novels- the cause and effect of female sexual disappointment, still according to the Roomate.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Trésor, Her Royal Purpleness

For some odd reason, I just seem to looove purple.
It calls me. It appeals to me. It makes me feel sexy.
It calms me. It soothes me. It makes me feel like royalty.
It defines my Divaliness.

Purple is the colour of royalty. I am royalty. I am a Queen. (You better believe that, babe!)
I am the Queen of all I survey. At least I am the Queen of Fame lodge! The Roomate calls me Her Royal Purpleness but he put his foot down when I asked if we could paint the sitting room royal purple- in acrylic. The dumb guy! Still, we got damask curtains with purple highlights.

My room looks like a tin of Turkish Delight with Purple playing a starring role.

My bath towel is a rich purple (now, why did I say dat?!)

My favorite pair of shoes is this pair of suede pumps the Roomate bought me for last year's Valentine.

My eyeshadow is Purple, my lipstck Purple.


My Favorite movie is Purple Rain!

My favorite song- Purple Rain.

And of course, I looove Prince ,His (Original) Royal Purpleness- before, during and after the time he was a mere symbol!
(Pretty Woman became my favorite movie just cos Julia Roberts sang Kiss in it!)

I have read The Color Purple like a bijillion times.

The only perfumes I use are the ones that come in purple bottles or are purple themselves hence most times I end up smelling like an arabian boudoir!

It was a glorious day on earth when I discovered pale lavender bathroom fittings. The tiles are a rich plum.

I only wish there was purple hardwood. My bed sadly has got the regular brown finishing.

I once only ate bread with black-currant fruit drinks so I could savour the rich purple sipping into the white of the bread! (Yeah, I know it's bad table manners to dip bread. That's why I don't eat with you!)

And if you think Purple is the only fetish I have, you best have a re-think.

I am a Freak- plain and simple; PURPLE only helps to give my craziness some colour!!!


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