Wednesday, July 22, 2009

If you can't beat him...

I remember one time when I had this boyfriend that was a game freak! I mean the guy liked to play games. You name it, he plays it. Computer o, board o, ten-ten o (Wande coal's type not the one little girls play.) As a pet-name, I called him Game-boy.

There were times where we would be lying down in bed just, you know, hanging out and his lappy would be opened to one game-site or the other- sudoku, scrabble, yahoo games- anything to distract him sha!

I would complain and complain.
"You need to give me attention." "I looove attention." "The Diva thrives on attention."


One day, I went to Bilkis' house just after she got married, I went to spend the weekend. There was this premiership match on TV and suddenly, there sat Bilkis analyzing football. She was rapping names and jersey number, strengths and stats, in fact, she sounded more savvy than the Commentators on TV.

What! Bilkis since when did you start liking football, talk less of knowing Chelsea and Squadron.

I mean Bilkis and I used to be one of those girls that biffed other girls for pretending to know anything about football. Most of these dull girls know jack. Their fanship for a club only lasts as long as their current boyfriend who happens to be a fan of that club.

Ha! Chelsea! Blueeess, Blueees! Up Blues!
Ha! Chelsea is going to play today, I am going to wear that my blue jersey and my blue arm band and my blue jeans... and your blue bra and your blue pant!
You know, with girls, every occasion is a good one for making a fashion statement.

That's how the Roomate tried one mgbeke that used to come around with her boyfriend to watch match at our house.

"You say you like Arsenal"

"Of course naa, gunners for life!"

"Okay, name three players there apart from popular ones."

Exam question! You should have seen the way the girl strained her face like she was about to drop this big constipation-like shit.
For where!
In the end the strain was replaced by an idiotic grin.

So when I saw Bilkis dumping stats that day like an MC on a crazy mic, I felt betrayed. Oh no! Not Bilkis too.

But Bilkis gave me this explanation for her betrayal.
'My sister wetin I for do. My husband loves football. when his club is playing he ignores me. In fact, in that moment if I yarn anything other than what is going on on TV he almost bites my head off. So I learnt to love what he loves. My sister, if you don't want to be ignored, you had better get involved.'

Involved, yeah but not to the extent of becoming holier than the pastor! The last I heard, HiTv is thinking of recruiting Bilkis to become a commentator for one of their premiership stuff.

Back to GameBoy.
I mean the guy's love for distraction was the undoing of our relationship.
Later, after we had broken up, I narrated my ordeal to the Roomate.
'And so?'he asked 'You should have learnt to play scrabble.'

My people looking back now, I am thinking, really, maybe I should have. I could have been going for international competitions by now. Or at least, I would still have had him. Looking back now, I am thinking: except for the game thingy, he wasn't all that bad. He was a real bull in bed- that is whenever he finally managed to close the lappy and get it off the bed!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Color or tongue really shouldn't count.

You know, when I first moved in with him, the Roomate had a sugar mummy. She was tall, dark and handsome and 12 years older than him.
Tall, dark and handsome cos she was one of those ladies that look like guys. She had a deep voice too. I think she was a transexual, if there's anything like that in Nigeria.
Ok, ok, I hated her. very obvious!

She got on my wrong side from day one. (long story, I hate long stories so I'm not telling it)

But when I heard her story, I really started to pity her. (that happens all the time. you hate someone, then hear their story then you start to think, maybe I could have loved him after all. yeah right!)

So this lady, when she was much younger had the singular misfortune of falling in love with someone her parents did not approve of- an Igbo guy. He was her university boyfriend and they dated all through or almost. She was Yoruba (the Roomate is Igbo, so seems like she has a plain affinity for Igbo dudes regardless of Mom and Pop's feelings about that.)
In the end, the parents frustrated the hell out of their love. The Igbo dude left the country and fell in love with a white babe abroad. Sugar Mummy remained stuck with her tribalistic parents.
She decided not to marry at all and became so rich that no man would marry her even if they wanted to. It's the same old shitty tale, middle-aged spinster with shitty blind parents who ends up becoming an anathema to all she meets.

Really, I don't understand the tribal crap and I abhor people that get all so "your-people".

Dick or Kitty would still be Dick or Kitty irrespective of color, tribe, religion or size for that matter.
You've got to find the one that suits you and stick to it no matter what anyone says. Because whether it's called Toto or JT, bottom-line is the happiness it causes you. Hold it tight and don't let any sadistic parent do you over.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

An ode to ME!

I went out on a date
And was forced to wait...
Yup! I don turn rapper
That's the new skill I learnt while tying wrapper.
Nope, I didn't go to the village,
Just soon after I celebrated another age
I know where I went
And hint* hint* I didn't stay in a tent
So where did I go?
It's for me to know
n for you not to
cos it was so impromptu
I had to just blow
And so hey-ho

Hey! My name is Trésor-Marie Lekado (pronounced Trayzor-Marry Lokado)
I am a Diva! (You already knew that) and my role model is Lady Gaga which is wierd considering the fact that I am probably older than her! (my real age and not the fake one I am tooting on Facebook)

I love only two things in this life- My humble self and Red wine.
My ambition? To be the last single lady of my generation. (I hope I don't face stiff competition cos I actually know one or two others-nope, make that a dozen others- who share the same ambition)
I am actually a single mom which really means I have a child but does not necessarily mean I take care of him... on my own.

I like boys, hate men and love my Dad which is really weird, I mean the fact I love my Dad but hate men! Really, go figure!

My pastimes are drinking, sulking and playing yard football (another weirdness considering that I hate football)
You see, with yard football (which is football u play within the compound with the distance between the huge gates acting as goalpost) what I really like is the tugging and shoving and the butting and grabbing the balls with my hands when I have had enough of the rubbish. I only let go when they beg and just stop from squeezing too hard so as not to cause serious damage. What the heck did you think I was talking about?!

My favorite things are my house especially my room, my TV and my lappy and of course MY CAR (sorry the last one always comes in capitals)!

When I grow up I want to be a SUPERSTAR!
I want to rival Dbanj, be the Madonna of Africa.
Oops! Nope, Brenda Fassie beat me to that! So I think I will be Mariah Carey but no breasts implants for me thank you very much. I like my size 34 Cees just the way they are. Find pictures of my boobs -suckers!!!- here

I wonder if Dbanj still considers himself Michael Jackson of Africa now that the fella is dead at 50. And seriously what is the connection between Dbanj and Mikey. I've never seen Dbanj burst serious moves on stage neither do I think he has enuff liver to be as BADD as Michael. Nah, the banj is certainly no Michael Jackson, not international enuff! But a pseudo-Fela? Now, that's hitting it on the knockers! And in that too, he is still not original. There are too many Pseudo Felas already, the most popular being Dede. so D'Banj why not just settle for being your Don Jazzy's-Alter-Ego-self!

So did I go there? Yep, I guess I did! And why? I really didn't know but just to let y'all know... I AM BACK like CHUCKY V!


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