Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Bitches!

So the Room-mate just bought a brand new car- an end of discussion or whatever they call it. All I know is that once I saw it, I thought to myself this is one sexy car. So just after two days of cruising in it, the Room-mate jets off to Abuja, leaving the keys behind.

Guess who then decided to test-drive the car.

I wasn't afraid of what the Room-mate would think 'cause we have always lived under this principle of 'my friend's property is my property' (esp when the property happens to be the Room-mate's.)

So, I took off on a solo date to the Island. On my way back, I got stuck in traffic. I was listening to good music and just generally enjoying the feel of a new car when the lights turned green. Suddenly, from no where, this car cuts into my lane, scratching and denting the brand-new, three-day old car!!!
The maniac didn't even stop to acknowledge the accident! The depraved monkey behind the wheel just sped off into traffic only to get stuck again after a rather short distance.

Immediately I felt the bump, my heart almost almost leapt out of my mouth. Then, the adrenaline started pumping through my veins.
'Not on my shift', I thought in anger.

Without wasting another thought, I went after the bah-gah (as my dad would say) and finally managed to cut off the insolent idiot at a junction.
The stupid bitch just sat in her stupid Picanto (what's dat?!!!) waiting for me to approach her!

'Madam,' I said politely 'Didn't you notice that you bashed my car?'
The shriveled-up old crone who looked like something out of a bad horror movie had the audacity to eye me, hiss and then raise up one stumpy middle finger, 'Eff you! You are too effing slow!! This is Lagos!!!'

What!!!

Divas don't get mad but Bitches do. And sometimes, a Diva has got to be a bitch.
I stood stock-still a moment, then did an about-face, went round her car to the side of the road where I picked up the sturdiest, most efficient stone I could find.
Diva started scratching and bashing away at the side of mega Bitch's car.
The bleached piece of meat jumped out of the car and started to rush towards me, foaming at the mouth. 'Are you mad? Are you mad?'
'Pick up your own stone and let's see whose car will require the most body work.' I told her calmly being careful to keep my face to her.
In that moment I wasn't thinking but I was lucky she didn't take me up on my offer; how would I have finally explained to the Room-mate?

Luckily, some folks had gathered and they managed to restrain both of us before we went for each other's throat.
Some policemen finally came and after hearing the story, one just shook his head and said, 'Women!'
Well, like I am glad that they thought we were pesky enough not to be given real attention. They just hustled both of us into our cars threatening jail and a fine if we lingered any longer.

I made sure the mad woman drove off first before going on my way. And I was glad to see dat I had caused more damage with the stone than she had done with her front fender. That would teach her not display her bad manners to just anybody.

The Room-mate came back and even though the damage was not all that bad- I finally noticed that it was a small dent and just a mere one line scratch that wasn't even very long- I have still been banned from any where near the car till further notice. Meaning that we can no longer go tripping together. (sigh!) What a harsh punishment! And even after I had told him what I did to the other person's car!
No more free trips, no more free rides, no more hanging out with the boys, no more easy social life, no more...

I ought to have broken that stumpy middle finger!!!!

2 comments:

Chari said...

LMAO!!! omG! wtf? hahahahah!!! om you get mind oH!!!

doll said...

LMAO

 
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