Of married friends

A friend of The Roomate's came around some days back and was complaining about how a friend of hers who got married some few months ago has suddenly started "chinning" her.

(Can you remember when we used to use that slang? I think the first person I heard it from was one of Roomie's brother's girlfriends way back when and she used it in the same "friend dumped me" context hence the nostalgia and use now.)

Anyway, this friend of the Roomate's (circa 2010) is really hurt because she feels that the "chin" is as a result of her yet to be updated "single" status. I mean, she is not even "in a relationship" and compared to her "married" friend that's like a yawning gully of a difference.

"Am I God?" she bemoaned. "Na wa oh! Like if it was up to me, I won't be married since." (And still be friends with someone who judging from this was not much of a friend to begin with!)

I have been very lucky with my married friends (actually I have only one, Bilkis and she can't even think of jawing talk-less of chinning or boning me!)

But I have some thoughts on "the single friends getting dumped" thing.

It's been noticed by me and my big bro that many girls, once they say "I do" to the man of their dreams or nightmare, suddenly decide that they shouldn't have anything to do with their "old friends". Worse for you if as an old friend you are very pretty, sexy and every one is suddenly contemplating your marketability (everyone meaning bridegroom and friends). Much worse for you if you know something about "the newest madam in town" that hubby does not know about: some dark dark secrets like where the aborted babies where buried and the drugs she took for that unpronounceable vaginal infection and how she is not even sure that the drugs worked.

If you are in this latter category, why be really surprised that you get dumped? In fact, if you are in either of the categories, why be surprised at all? Don't you know that you now pose as an immeasurable threat to her continued standing as "Mrs."?

I once overhead the Roomate's mom's sister giving advice to her about-to-be-married daughter; the Roomate's mom was also there. When the woman said to her daughter, "You know, once you get married you have to stop moving with those your single friends starting with your chief-bridesmaid," all the women there concurred with a resounding "Amen!"

"Why?" you ask.

If by now you are not able to provide some answers for yourselves, sorry!

The reason Bilkis is my only friend from university who is married and still my friend is because of what I learned from that married-women induction ceremony hosted especially for Roomate's cousin by her mom. The women had made sure to remove her from her friends before unleashing the anti-single lady-friend advice. I was only allowed to be there because I was too young (13), wasn't the girl's friend and since my step-mom was one of the wise women, was included in the list of advice recipients. (You never know, I could have found Mr. Yerima the next day and be married before anyone can whisper: try not to cry on the "first night." remember as a 13 year-old wife, you are now a woman and no longer a child. You are also fulfilling the customs of our religion.)

So to ye single ladies who get all hot-and-bothered when for some obscure reasons your just-married friend suddenly stops picking your calls- and no, it's not because her phone was stolen on her honeymoon- don't be!

Just do like I do (to guys and girls alike) dump them before they dump you.

The moment you hand me your wedding invitation card, you have issued a death-warrant to our friendship.

No, the reason I stop picking your calls is not because I don't want to buy your aso-ebi. Rather, it is because I am doing to you what you in all your pomposity as Mrs. Somebody will decide to do to me and most likely before you give me my aso-ebi souvenir.